Hello all and welcome to my blog. When most men hurt, you will never see him out there burning her clothes, spreading lies about her, or getting into a physical altercation with her. Most men endure that pain through silence, a few drinks, memories, or another woman. They will not hold onto that pain but will move on to another woman who will accept he has a past.
My mother raised me to always be respectful to any woman, even if I didn’t like her. If you are seeing her and only her, treat her like you want to be treated in the relationship by loving her, giving her the attention she deserves and listen when her day was a bad day. I’ve had my share of women I would see at the same time but they never knew about one another. I never talked to my boys about them nor did I bring them around. They were women I was not serious about and in the beginning I let them know this was just a physical thing. I let them go when I knew they were getting too close and I would slowly push them away. I’d cancel dates, stop answering their calls and when I knew I needed to talk with them, I did. I knew what type of woman I wanted and was waiting for the one I would call wife to come along. This is where my story begins.
She walked into my life as a friend. I knew much about her and she about me. I never told her about any of my female friends and I respected the fact she never spoke of her male friends either. We’d talk about other things that were important to us and pretty soon we connected on a level I never had with any other female. I fell hard and I know she felt the same about me.
We moved in together and the relationship was as solid as ever. We would have parties and have a few friends over, take trips, cooked together, and prayed together. The Lord was the strength we needed that kept us together. Three years in and she is still the love of my life. She just wasn’t my wife.
I knew something was wrong when she started canceling parties we had planned, trips to a destination we had planned for months was no longer a place she wanted to go and pretty soon she fell silent. We wouldn’t talk about things, we would argue. I was working too much, I wasn’t giving her attention like I used too and so many other things that were going wrong in her eyes. I didn’t know what to do or say. I thought she was happy.
It was a Friday night, around eleven when I got a call from a friend of mine. He told me I should come down to the club and get my girl. I told him he had to be mistaken because my girl was at her mom’s house for the weekend. He sent me a photo of her on the dancefloor with another man to prove she was there. In my head I was trying to calm my nerves and not get angry. There had to be an explanation why she was there with another man. It had to be. When I arrived at the club there was a line of people waiting to get in. I was lucky I knew the owner and could go in through a private entrance.
As I stepped into the club, she was the first person I saw. In her one hand she had a drink and the other was rubbing on the man she was dancing with. I felt the anger before the pain, I felt jealousy before the confusion and I felt my heart break when I saw her smile at the man she was with.
I was not a cursing man. The amount of curse words I have said in my life time I could count on both hands. I was always careful of my words because I have learned that people speak with their emotions. When you are angry, truth and lies come out. When you are in pain, what has laid dormant, comes out tenfold.
I grabbed the woman I loved and dared the man she was dancing with to say anything. She yelled at me to let her go and I said nothing. She cursed at me and I said nothing. She said she no longer wanted me and I said nothing. Somehow I got her into my car and I drove home in a daze. She was still yelling, cursing and saying things I know she didn’t mean and I still said nothing. We pulled up to our home and I walked around to her door to open it but she was already out of the car. She yelled that she was not going in the house and for me to leave her outside. I grabbed her arm a little too hard and took her inside.
She wanted to go into our bedroom and lock the door but I made her sit on the couch. She kept getting up so I sat on her until she calmed down. She never stopped crying, she never stopped yelling until she had nothing left to yell. When I knew she was ready to talk, I asked her what was going on; why lie about going to her mother’s when she was still here; who was that man and was she no longer happy with me. I told her that I loved her no matter what.
She looked at me and said a woman needs more than love from her man. She wants to be married and have a family of her own. She was just my girlfriend doing things that a wife would do. She wanted more than what I was giving her. I didn’t see it because I was content with the way things were going and since she never complained about being just my girlfriend, I didn’t bring up the subject. She had been seeing other men and I never noticed the changes, the new outfits, the late nights after work. Everything that had not been said was said out of anger, pain and disappointment.
I wanted to know who the men were; how could she tear us apart by cheating; when did it all happen and what the heck was wrong with me for her to step out on me. She said the relationship was at a standstill. She said she was no longer happy. I didn’t understand what she meant so I asked her to explain. She said I was happy with the way the relationship was going because it was what I wanted, not what we both wanted. When she would try and talk to me about it, I would ignore her. I didn’t realize the truth until now. Every decision about our personal lives was all about what made me happy and I didn’t stop to think what she wanted or needed.
That night she left and I felt my world fall apart. I burned her clothes, spread a few lies about her, I got into a physical altercation with her when I saw her out one day with the man from the club. I endured my pain through silence, more than a few drinks, the bad and good memories, and plenty of other women.
Six months have come and gone and I decided I needed a change. I was offered a promotion with another firm in another state and I took the job. My mother didn’t want me to move so far away but I knew I needed to leave. My ex had moved on with someone new and I saw her for the first time in months and she looked happy. It was then I realized how true everything she said to me was. Our relationship was about me and what made me happy. I only include her when I needed her to be.
It has been four years now and during a time I was visiting my mom, I ran into my ex at the grocery store. It was if all the pain had been erased and we acted like old friends who hadn’t seen each other in years. I stilled loved her but I had to learn to let her go. A few days before I was to leave, my ex called and said she had something of mine I thought I should have. She came over and my mother all of a sudden had a church meeting to attend. I think that was her way of giving us some alone time.
She sat on the couch and pulled out a watch from her purse. It was the first gift she had ever given me. I thought I had lost it. She said she took it the night she packed up and left. I told her that I had something of hers too. I took off the diamond necklace I bought her for our first Christmas. That was the first time I had ever taken it off. At that moment all I could do was say I was sorry and asked her to forgive me for not treating her as my equal and taking the relationship further. I wished at that moment I could take back the last few years but it was what we needed to let each other grow.
We went for a long walk and caught up on each other’s lives. I left a couple of days later and we promised each other to keep in touch. Social media made it possible for us to talk almost every night and once a month, I was on that plane to see her or she was on a plane coming out to see me. We had gotten back together and it was more magical than the first time around. Instead of guessing what she liked I asked, instead of talking for her, I talked with her. Nothing was done unless we both agreed and if it was out of our hands we tried to make a decision with both parties in mind. It was not easy and we did have hiccups a few times but we were both willing to make this work. To make sure were ready to get married, we sought counseling and even sat down with our minister. God was the center of our lives and He provided the answers we needed.
My wife and I are happy, blessed and highly favored as my mother once said. There is more to loving and respecting the woman destined to be your wife. Understanding her, communicating with her, being there for her and cherishing her are just a few things a man should do when he loves his woman. It takes a long time to build a solid relationship but only a few seconds of unforgiveable actions and thoughtless words to destroy it.
Peace and Blessings!