Hello all and welcome to my blog. There was a time in my life where I surrounded myself with toxic people. Some of them were family. I didn’t know it at the time but I thought their actions and their words were given to me to help me. They only fed my brokenness.
My family is a generation of nothingness. No education higher than the 10th grade, no careers, no family dynamic and we lived in poverty. As I looked back, I know this curse could have been broken many times over but there was never a want or need to try and do better.
Drugs came to me by way of my brother, alcohol from my mother, physical abuse by my father, who lived with another woman while still married to my mother. I never looked at another human being and wanted what they had. In my mind, the world lived just as I did.
One day I was walking pass a church and saw the preacher trying to move a heavy piece of wood blocking the walkway. He looked up and asked me if I could help him. I thought, great, I can get a few dollars and by some weed later on. I helped him move the wood and stood up expecting him to give me the money. All he said was bless you son for helping me. I told him I didn’t do it for free and wanted some money. He replied by saying he didn’t have any money to give. Not only did I hit him and push him down, I continued to beat him until I was pulled off.
The cops came and I was arrested. I knew my family wasn’t going to bail me out so I sat and was expecting to be in jail for thirty days after my arraignment. While in jail, I was beat up, almost raped and beat again. It was then I took a long hard look at my life. There had to be something better than where I was going and what I was doing. I was only twenty-two and didn’t even have a GED.
I got out of jail after three weeks in and decided my life was worth something better than I was giving it. I went and saw the preacher I attacked and asked him for forgiveness. I told him I would work for free until I figured out what my next move was.
The preacher became my mentor. I wanted to get my education and started studying for my GED. I was a smart kid; I just didn’t apply myself while in school. I got my GED and then I decided I was going to go to college. When I was asked what I was going to study I didn’t have a clue what that would be. The preacher sat me down and asked that I try teaching. I was doing well with the small kids teaching Sunday school lessons and loved it. I knew it had to be my path.
I graduated, got a great job as a teacher but there were still toxic people in my life. I began to feel the drain of all the negativity they brought with them. I was missing work because I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I was drinking, doing drugs and pretty soon, I was back to my brokenness.
God has a way of putting the right people in your path. That same preacher who helped me out numerous times, found me and asked why am I still feeding my brokenness when I should be fighting it. I told him I didn’t know how. He said the first thing I needed to do was change what I could, accept what I couldn’t and leave when you can. I knew then I was also part of the negativity that was surrounding me. I was contributing to the drugs, alcohol, the poverty, the people because I didn’t do anything to change or fix my brokenness, I was feeding it.
I packed what little belongings I had and bought me a one-way ticket to another state. I was glad I had my education because, no matter what, it was something no one could take from me. I applied to several schools before one hired me as a teacher. I took the job and was able to move out of the cheap hotel I was living in and found me a small apartment. I was able to buy furniture piece by piece and pretty soon I had it furnished to my liking. I called my folks and gave them my new number and told them not to give it to anyone. I was starting over.
If you saw me now you wouldn’t recognize me. I am in the church, I have a wife, a home, a couple of kids and a great small group of friends. No more drugs, alcohol, toxic people and no more feeding my brokenness because that’s gone too. The life we have; God gave us free will to make the choices we make. Whether good or bad, it is up to you who you choose to be in your life; it is up to you what you allow to happen in your life, although there are some things that we cannot control and that’s understandable. He didn’t bring you this far to let go.
Peace and Blessing!
P.S. I wrote this after hearing Kirk Franklin say “Please do not feed your brokenness more than you do your spirit”.