Hello all and welcome to my blog. For so long, I waited for the right one to come along and he came when I had given up on love. After so many heartaches, disappointments, abuse, loveless marriages (two to be exact) and finally being with a man who makes me feel as if I’m dreaming. Before I get to the man who would finally win me over, I have to tell you how it almost didn’t happen.
The first boy I ever loved was when I was in high school. He was my first kiss and the first person to break my heart. I was a chubby girl and very shy. I loved to read anything from how the world began to how a man walked on the moon. I wanted to know how everything worked and why. I studied when I didn’t need to study and that put me up a few grades. Cooking was something else I loved to do and eating was something I was good at too. My mother worried about me gaining so much weight but I was happy with the way I looked. I didn’t even mind that I didn’t have friends my age. I was friendly to everyone I met, even the ones who were mean to me. I kept smiling because I thought they must not have known how to be kind.
The boy I met had asked me for help with his math homework one day. He gave me a kiss and he was very nice to me. I guess I had a crush on him and did anything he asked of me. He wanted me to do his homework, so I did. I helped him study for his exams and I wrote his papers. Like I said, he could ask anything of me. One night he was having a party at his house. I was sure he was going to invite me but I never received an invite. One of his friends must have heard I wasn’t invited and told me I should come over anyway.
He only lived down the street from me so after begging my mom to let me go, I walked to the party in my new dress and shoes. I walked in and there were so many people from our school. I waved to the some of his friends and they were looking at me as if they’d seen a ghost. I just brushed it off because it could have been that they’ve never seen me out before. I never went anywhere but to school, church, the old folks home to volunteer and maybe a few museums. I was looking for my friend when I heard a lot of laughter. As I got closer, I saw my friend standing there with some girl. He had his arm wrapped around her and she was laughing at what he was saying. I stood there and listened to him make fun of someone and I thought that was not very nice of him when I heard him mentioned my name. I was finally close enough to see that he had a picture of me in the corner and he was talking about how he wanted to use a needle to let all of that hot air out of me then I wouldn’t be so big. He went on to say that he had to brush his teeth twenty times after he kissed me because my breath was funky. I turned to leave but someone grabbed me and pulled me over to him. The laughter got louder as my friend started to say things about my dress. He said to everyone that the belt I had on had to be screaming to be free from my wide waist. He went on and on about my weight and everyone laughed at me. All I could do was stand there and cry.
The next man I was in loved with was my college professor. He loved my mind and would ask my advice on some research he was doing so he could be published in an educator’s journal. Being published would give him tenure. I helped him and thought he was an honest man, aside from being married, and that he really loved me. On the day he found out that his work had been published, he said he needed to ask me something. I was sure he was going to marry me and leave his wife.
As I put on my new dress and shoes, I smiled a smile so hard I almost cried. I was going to be someone’s wife. I know our relationship wasn’t ideal but we made it work. I only saw him a few times during the month and never on the weekends. He said he didn’t want her to find out and we needed to be careful. I understood and he was telling her a few days ago about the divorce so I know that meant he wanted to marry me.
I was waiting outside when it began to rain. I ran inside and grabbed my umbrella and went back out to wait. I waited and waited but he never showed. The next day I went to his classroom and saw that there was another professor in his place. I asked what happened to my professor and was told that he was no longer teaching here. I found out that he had been accepted to another university and his wife was pregnant with their first child. It was announced last night at the Gala for tenured professors. I called his cell and he answered on the second ring. I wanted to know what was going on and in that moment, the man I loved with every bit of my heart said hurtful things. He was disgusted by my appearance; I was always stuffing my mouth with some kind of food; I breathed too loud and too hard; when he was having sex with me he imagined I was someone else; and the last thing he said was that he used me for helping him do his research to get tenured. My heart stopped beating and I began to hyperventilate. I begged him and told him I would do anything if he could just love me. He laughed and said “never” and hung up.
The next man I loved beat me after we were married. The second marriage lasted a year because he only wanted to marry me to gain his inheritance. I closed up my heart. I no longer smiled and thought everyone was cruel as could be. I no longer socialized with anyone. I would go to work and go home. One day my mother came to visit me. She was worried about her only child. My father too. My parents had been together 40 years, and married for 35 of those years. I see the way my father looks at my mother and I would always wish I had someone who would look at me like that. My mother wanted me to live my own life but she would talk to me about my choice of men. I didn’t listen. When she came to visit me this time, I finally took the time to ask her what was wrong with me. Why do men treat me this way? Why do I always settle for a man who doesn’t love or want me? My mother said I had answered my own questioned. When I looked confused, she said it was because I settled for men who didn’t love me because I no longer loved myself. And she was right. After my high school boyfriend broke my heart, any man who gave me attention, had my attention. If he even showed the slightest amount of affection, I wanted to be with him. Even knowing he was the wrong man in the first place. I settled for any man.
When my mother left after telling me that I was better than what I thought of myself, I took a long look in the mirror. I didn’t like what I saw. I was still overweight; my hair was damaged from being chemically treated; I had bags under my eyes and hated me. My doctor had already told me I was pre-diabetic, I had high blood pressure and problems with my knees. I was unhealthy and needed a change.
I did not cry. I stood there and repeated every horrible word that was ever thrown at me. After I repeated the words I told myself it was all a lie. I was not a cow, ugly, unwanted, fat, or miserable. I was beautiful, and worthy.
The next morning was the first say of the rest of my life. I changed things around. I made a list of things that I wanted to change and gave myself a timeline to complete them. I started with my health. Being heavy was not being healthy. I hated the way my clothes looked on me so I hid my rolls in a bigger shirt, long sweaters and stretched pants. I looked frumpy. I gathered all those clothes and put them in a pile to get rid of. I threw out the shoes that were worn on the sides because my feet were fat and ruined the shoes. I went to the mall and bought workout clothes. I joined the local gym and went to whole foods and shopped for foods that were recommended by my nutritionist.
I worked out every day except Sunday. I started going back to the convalesce homes on a volunteer basis. There was one man there who was assigned to me. No one would come to visit him so I sat there and read to him his favorite books. He grew attached to me and started telling me what he used to do. He owned a literary agency and it was quite successful and was now ran by his son. He asked if I would go there to see his son and deliver a message for him. Of course I said yes and went the following week.
They were expecting me and walked me up to the top floor. I went in the office and noticed a very tall man standing there looking out the window. I will admit he was very handsome but I wasn’t looking for no man. I came to deliver a message and I was going back to my office.
I told him what his father said and handed him the note his father had written. I turned to leave when the son asked me to stay for a minute. I said why and he said because his father wanted him to give me an answer to give to him. I waited to see what he wanted to tell his father but the guy was just standing there staring at me. I looked down at my outfit thinking I must have spilled something on me but I didn’t see anything. I said I would be out in the waiting room for the return message and asked if he could hurry up. I sat in the waiting room for about five minutes before he came out to tell me to tell his father that the answer would be most definitely.
I cursed under my breath as I walked away from the beautiful man. He could have called and told his father that. Anyway, I went back to my office and kept myself busy for the rest of the day. Friday finally came and I was packing to leave for the weekend when my phone ranged. It was the guy I went to see the other day. He asked if I could come to the home where his father was staying and that it was urgent. I was praying nothing happened to his father. The man had a soft spot in my closed off heart.
I arrived and ran into the room where the old man had been staying. It was easy to run now that I had lost all of that weight. I loved running and found it was easier to keep the weight off. My blood pressure went down and I was nowhere near being diabetic. I was very healthy and even though I still enjoyed cooking and eating, I did so, but healthier.
I arrived in the room and I thought the old man was dying. I couldn’t help but to cry as he called me over to him. He said he was glad that he got to know me and asked that I take care of his son. I told him I would call him up from time to time. But he said I misunderstood what he was saying. Whenever someone would look at his son they would turn away because of his scar. I didn’t remember any scar so I looked at him and yes, there was a scar but he was still beautiful to me. I smiled at the old man and said I promise to look after him.
They pulled me and the son out of the room so the old man could rest a while. I asked how long did the old man have to live and the doctor looked at me strange. He said he probably still have many years left and that he was as healthy as a horse. I looked confused and didn’t understand why he was in a convalesce home in the first place. His son told me that his father thought he could get some rest here and no one would bother him as much. When he was at his home, people were always coming over unannounced begging him to come speak here or to attend one thing or the other. He came here and got the rest he wanted and met you. He would call me and tell me of the woman taking care and reading to him. He said he could tell your past was full of pain from loving the wrong people.
I looked the man in front of me and smiled. I could tell he really loved his father. He thanked me for coming here tonight. His scar was deep and when I asked about his scar he turned sad. There was a motorcycle accident when he was younger. People called him Frankenstein and he didn’t have many friends afterwards. There were many operations but he was tired of them and accepted the scar on his face. Women broke his heart many times because they were with him only for his money. He was unlucky in the love department too.
I wasn’t looking for another disappointment so I told him that I wasn’t in the market for a relationship. I was damaged goods and needed to work on me. He said we all have baggage. He asked if we could just see where this would lead if we took our time with each other. I looked at him and saw honesty and sincerity in his eyes and I said it wouldn’t hurt to try.
“Things are kind of hazy and my head is all cloudy inside. I’ve heard of talk of angels, but never thought I would have one to call mine” this was the first line of the vows my husband of 15 years said to me on the day we were married. Every day he shows me that he is just too good to be true but then I remember I am not imagining anything. He is here and loves every part of me and I him.
Stop being a prisoner of anything holding you back from being happy and stop settling for things thinking there will be nothing better.
Peace and Blessings.